1. Manly Scented Air Freshener: Cheater (Aspiring or Otherwise)
If he has a little pine tree that smells like an extension of his Axe body spray, he is either trying to hide the scent of someone else, or just himself. No one goes to those lengths if they’re not trying to distract you with the stinging aroma of every frat boy’s body odor multiplied and packed into a Jeep. No one.
2. Fuzzy Dice: Thinks The Big Bang Theory Is the Funniest Show on TV
When have you ever gotten into a car with fuzzy dice and had a good time? Never, because the only people who have them are either desperately stuck in the ‘70s or think “Halloween Pimp Costume” is the hilarious decor aesthetic to go for. This guy will not make you laugh, but he will try all the time, which will make you so deeply regret hopping into that passenger seat.
3. Elaborate Gadgets: Impossible to Take Anywhere
This guy is so deep in his own world that he invests money in expanding cupholder trays rather than just getting himself to an actual restaurant. You can’t pull out your Macbook Pro without hearing how PCs are soooooo much better, and he brags about having an Android because he “doesn’t want to give Apple his business.” Your friends will hate him.
4. Smelly Gym Clothes: Commitment-Phobic Bro
Working out is great and important, and this guy probably has an enviable six-pack, but if he can’t find the time between workouts to remove his sweat-drenched shorts from the backseat of his car, he just isn’t factoring you or your nostrils into his life. Find yourself a guy who gyms and manages to freshen up his car (otherwise what is even the point of sculpted pecs?)
5. Bumper Stickers: A “Well, Actually” Kind of Guy
He needs to voice his opinions so much that they are literally spilling out and sticking to the sides of his car. He’s that guy injecting himself into political Facebook threads about feminism to offer his viewpoint on how women should feel and he’s the kind of guy who thinks world peace can be achieved with a “Coexist” sticker. Next.
6. Used Napkins: Never Let Him Cook for You
If his car is covered in crumpled-up, mucus-(or something else)-encrusted tissues or napkins, this guy is a hot mess. Realistically, his bedroom is probably a disaster, but even if it’s halfway presentable before you come over, make sure you go out for dinner rather than cook — this guy did not wash his hands.
7. CDs: Thinks Beyoncé’s Lemonade Is a Literal Beverage
Look, CDs are a great, nostalgic memory of family car rides, but we have Spotify now. We’ve moved onto bigger and better things. Don’t let this guy put in a Coldplay CD and act like he’s wooing you with his musical tastes. Don’t do it.
8. One-Quarter of His Belongings in the Backseat: Self-Absorbed Beyond All Hope
The metaphor couldn’t be clearer: He’s so invested in his own life and his own comfort that he doesn’t care that your seat is obstructed by five textbooks and three sweatshirts. He’s surrounded and blocked by all his own stuff and (literal) baggage, and if you want to get through to him, you’ll have to climb a mountain of half-empty shoeboxes and a deflated basketball to do it. So maybe don’t!
9. Vague Overall Stickiness: He Has Totally Jizzed in This Vehicle
Even if he didn’t, you are fair to assume the worst when grabbing the door handle and feeling a thin layer of goop briefly fuse your fingers to the plastic. Assume the worst, see yourself out, move on, never speak of it again.
10. Car Testicles: What Do YOU Think?
NOPE. Don’t get balls-deep into things with this guy — don’t get any kind of deep with this guy. Run, or drive, far far away.