The holidays are here, and if you’re completely out of gift ideas, there’s always one that never fails: indulge the bulge.
1. For the big, but not so bad, wolf in your life.
All you need are these boxers and your recycled Little Red Riding Hood costume to have an … interesting night. These also come in Eagle, if you want your sex life to really take off. Sorry.
2. For your lovable Dumbo.
These bad boys are a best seller in the Etsy shop Party in the Pants and it’s not hard to see why. After all, trunks with an actual trunk are an upgrade from whatever loser shorts he’s been wearing so far. Make his wildest elephantsies come true.
3. For the bro who lifts.
While you do your kegels, he can now lift a tiny bar on his shaft (that won’t actually do anything, to be clear, but has obvious entertainment value). Couple goals, amirite?
4. For the one who you always want to (Mario) party with.
The only real risk is he’ll wear this knit penis ring to bed all the time now and preface sex with “It’s a me!” A risk worth taking, TBH.
5. For the man of steel you want this total steal for.
This one comes with a Superman dildo and detachable cock ring cape, which is why it’s $200. But you’d both get something out of it, including, again, a tiny cape for his penis. Admit it: This is your credit card’s kryptonite.
6. For the one you need to wrangle a gift quickly for.
Because we all need to fill that Westworld void somehow, right?
7. For your despicable other half.
If you search Etsy, pretty much every character you can think of has been reborn in the form of a hand-knitted penis warmer, but Minions somehow seem the most egregious. In other words, you must purchase immediately.
8. For the one you’re googley-eyed for.
If you get him this thong, he will probably react like the model wearing it: “Uh, sure I’ll stick my penis through a face to make it look like my dick’s a large nose. Whatever, babe. Can I go back to Skyrim now?”
9. For the Thor you adore.
If Vikings aren’t his thing, there’s also a pirate hat, crown, chef’s hat, and beanies in any color his heart (and head) desires.
10. For your most treasured boo.
You know, in case you both just marathoned The Crown and bae is feeling extra regal lately.