Anger is a normal feeling and can be a positive emotion when it helps you work through issues or problems, whether at work or home. However, anger can become problematic if it leads to aggression, outbursts, or physical altercations. Anger control is important for helping you avoid saying or doing something you may regret. Before anger escalates, you can use specific strategies for controlling anger.
What is Anger?
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, neither good nor bad. Like any emotion, it conveys a message that a situation is upsetting, unjust, or threatening. However, if your knee-jerk reaction to anger is to explode, that message can never be conveyed.
While it’s perfectly normal to feel angry when you’ve been mistreated or wronged, anger becomes a problem when you express it in a way that harms yourself or others. You might think that venting your anger is healthy, that the people around you are too sensitive, that your anger is justified, or that you must show your fury to get respect. But the truth is that anger is much more likely to hurt how people see you, impair your judgment, and get in the way of success.
Effects of Anger
Chronic anger that flares up all the time or spirals out of control can have serious consequences for your:
Physical health: Constantly operating at high levels of stress and anger makes you more susceptible to heart disease, diabetes, a weakened immune system, insomnia, and high blood pressure.
Mental health: Chronic anger consumes huge amounts of mental energy and clouds your thinking, making it harder to concentrate or enjoy life. It can also lead to stress, depression, and other mental health problems.
Career: Constructive criticism, creative differences, and heated debate can be healthy. But lashing out only alienates your colleagues, supervisors, or clients and erodes their respect.
Relationships: Anger can cause lasting scars in the people you love most and get in the way of friendships and work relationships. Explosive anger makes it hard for others to trust you, speak honestly, or feel comfortable—and is especially damaging to children.
If you have a hot temper, you may feel like it’s out of your hands, and there’s little you can do to tame the beast. But you have more control over your anger than you think. With insight into the real reasons for your anger and these anger management tools, you can learn to express your emotions without hurting others and keep your temper from hijacking your life.
How Anger Management Can Help You
Many people think that anger management is about learning to suppress your anger. But never getting angry is not a healthy goal. Anger will come out regardless of how hard you try to tamp it down. The true goal of anger management isn’t to suppress feelings of anger but rather to understand the message behind the emotion and express it healthily without losing control. When you do, you’ll not only feel better, but you’ll also be more likely to get your needs met, be better able to manage conflict in your life and strengthen your relationships.
Mastering the art of anger management takes work, but the more you practice, the easier it will get. And the payoff is huge. Learning to control and express your anger appropriately will help you build better relationships, achieve your goals, and lead a healthier, more satisfying life.
Tip 1: Explore What’s Really Behind Your Anger
Have you ever gotten into an argument over something silly? Big fights often happen over something small, like a dish left out or ten minutes late. But there’s usually a bigger issue behind it. If you find your irritation and anger rapidly rising, ask yourself, “What am I really angry about?” Identifying the source of frustration will help you communicate your anger better, take constructive action, and work towards a resolution.
Is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability? If your knee-jerk response in many situations is anger, your temper is likely covering up your true feelings. This is especially likely if you grew up in a family where expressing feelings was strongly discouraged. As an adult, you may have difficulty acknowledging feelings other than anger.
Anger can also mask anxiety. When you perceive a real or imagined threat, your body activates the “fight or flight” response. In the case of the “fight” response, it can often manifest itself as anger or aggression. To change your response, you need to find out what’s causing you to feel anxious or scared.
Anger problems can stem from what you learned as a child. If you watched others in your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed to be expressed.
Anger can be a symptom of another underlying health problem, such as depression (especially in men), trauma, or chronic stress.
Clues That There’s More to Your Anger Than Meets the Eye
- You have a hard time compromising. Is it hard for you to understand other people’s points of view and even harder to concede a point? If you grew up in a family where anger was out of control, you may remember how the angry person got their way by being the loudest and most demanding. Compromising might bring up scary feelings of failure and vulnerability.
- You view different opinions as a personal challenge. Do you believe your way is always right and get angry when others disagree? If you have a strong need to be in control or a fragile ego, you may interpret other perspectives as challenging your authority rather than simply a different way of looking at things.
- You have trouble expressing emotions other than anger. Do you pride yourself on being tough and in control? Do you feel emotions like fear, guilt, or shame don’t apply to you? Everyone has those emotions, so you may use anger to cover them. If you are uncomfortable with different emotions, disconnected, or stuck on an angry one-note response to situations, it’s important to get back in touch with your feelings. HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit can help.
Tip 2: Be Aware of Your Anger Warning Signs
While you might feel that you explode into anger without warning, there are physical warning signs in your body. Becoming aware of the signs that your temper is starting to boil allows you to take steps to manage your anger before it gets out of control.
Pay Attention to the Way Anger Feels in Your Body
- Knots in your stomach
- Clenching your hands or jaw
- Feeling clammy or flushed
- Breathing faster
- Headaches
- Pacing or needing to walk around
- “Seeing red”
- Having trouble concentrating
- Pounding heart
- Tensing your shoulders
Tip 3: Identify Your Triggers
Stressful events don’t excuse anger, but understanding how these events affect you can help you take control of your environment and avoid unnecessary aggravation. Look at your routine and try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings.
Maybe you fight whenever you go out for drinks with a certain group of friends. Or maybe the traffic on your daily commute drives you crazy. When you identify your triggers, think about ways to avoid them or view the situations differently so they don’t make your blood boil.
Negative Thought Patterns That Can Trigger Anger
You may think that external factors—the insensitive actions of other people, for example, or frustrating situations—are causing your anger. But anger problems have less to do with what happens to you than how you interpret and think about what happened. Common negative thought patterns include:
Overgeneralizing. For example, “You always interrupt me. You never consider my needs. Everyone disrespects me. I never get the credit I deserve.”
Obsessing on “shoulds” and “musts.” Having a rigid view of how things should or must be and getting angry when reality doesn’t align with this vision.
Mind reading and jumping to conclusions. Assuming you “know” what someone else is thinking or feeling—that they intentionally upset you, ignored your wishes, or disrespected you.
Collecting straws and looking for things to get upset about, usually while overlooking or blowing past anything positive. Let these minor irritations build and build until you reach the “final straw” and explode, often over something relatively minor.
Blaming. When anything bad happens, or something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. You tell yourself, “Life’s not fair,” or “This isn’t my fault,” and feel angry, resentful, and victimized.
Tip 4: Learn Ways to Cool Down Quickly
Once you recognize the warning signs that your anger is rising and anticipate your triggers, you can quickly deal with it before it spins out of control. Many techniques can help you cool down and keep your anger in check.
Focus on the Physical Sensations of Anger
While it may seem counterintuitive, tuning into how your body feels when you’re angry often lessens the emotional intensity of your anger.
Take some deep breaths. Deep, slow breathing helps counteract rising tension. The key is to breathe deeply from the abdomen, getting as much fresh air as possible into your lungs.
Use your senses. Take advantage of the relaxing power of your senses of sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste. You might try listening to music, squeezing a stress ball, or lighting a scented candle.
Stretch or massage areas of tension. Roll your shoulders if you are tensing them, for example, or gently massage your neck and scalp.
Slowly count to ten. Focus on counting to let your rational mind catch up with your feelings. If ten isn’t enough, keep counting until you feel yourself calm down.
Give Yourself a Reality Check
When you start getting upset about something, take a moment to think about the situation. Ask yourself:
- How important is it in the grand scheme of things?
- Is it worth getting angry about it?
- Is it worth ruining the rest of my day?
- Is my response appropriate to the situation?
- Is there anything I can do about it?
- Is taking action worth my time?
Tip 5: Find Healthier Ways to Express Your Anger
If you’ve decided that the situation is worth getting angry about and there’s something you can do to make it better, the key is to express your feelings healthily. When communicated respectfully and channelled effectively, anger can be a tremendous source of energy and inspiration for change.
Always Fight Fair
It’s okay to be upset with someone, but the relationship will quickly break down if you don’t fight fair. Fighting fair allows you to express your own needs while still respecting others.
Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship should always be your priority rather than “winning” the argument. Respect the other person and their viewpoint.
Focus on the present. Once you are in the heat of arguing, it’s easy to start throwing past grievances into the mix. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the present to solve the problem.
Choose your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is worth your time and energy. If you’re arguing over something every day, you’ll need to look at your own life and what needs to change.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive others. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can only serve to deplete and drain your life.
Know when to let something go. If you can’t agree, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can disengage and move on.
Tip 6: Stay Calm by Taking Care of Yourself
Taking care of your overall mental and physical health can help ease tension and diffuse anger problems.
Manage Stress
If your stress levels are through the roof, you’re more likely to struggle with anger management—practice relaxation techniques like yoga, meditation, and deep breathing exercises.
Talk to Someone You Trust
Nothing eases stress more effectively than chatting face-to-face with a friend or loved one. The person doesn’t have to provide answers; they just need to be a good listener.
Get Enough Sleep
Lack of sleep can exacerbate negative thoughts and make you irritable and short-tempered. Aim for 7-9 hours of good-quality sleep each night.
Exercise Regularly
Regular physical activity helps you reduce stress, improves your mood, and increases your energy levels. Try to get at least 30 minutes of exercise most days.
Be Smart About Alcohol and Drugs
They lower your inhibitions and can make you more reactive to anger. Even caffeine can worsen anger outbursts. Avoid recreational drugs and limit your alcohol intake.
Look After Your Mental Health
Anger can be a symptom of other mental health issues, such as depression, trauma, or chronic stress. Seek help from a mental health professional if you’re struggling.
Tip 7: Use Humor to Relieve Tension
When things get tense, humour and playfulness can help you lighten up and see the humour in a situation. When you start taking yourself too seriously, humour can help keep things in perspective.
Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s important to laugh at yourself when you can. Laughing at yourself can help defuse anger and tension.
Avoid Sarcasm
While gentle teasing can help defuse tension, avoid sarcasm and mean-spirited humour. It can hurt feelings and make things worse.
Start a Gratitude Journal
Taking time each day to think about the things you’re grateful for can help you see the positive side and reduce your anger.
Tip 8: Recognize If You Need Anger Management Classes
If your anger is still spiralling out of control despite putting the previous tips into practice, you may need more help. Anger management classes, therapy, or counselling can help you find ways to manage your anger and control your responses.
When to Seek Professional Help
- No matter what you try, you constantly feel frustrated, angry, and irritable.
- You find it hard to compromise and see other people’s points of view.
- You have a history of violence, such as frequent fights or physical altercations.
- You’re avoiding new people or situations because you’re afraid of losing control of your temper.
Finding an Anger Management Program
Many programs use cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to help people change their thought patterns and behaviour. CBT can help you identify negative thought patterns that contribute to anger and replace them with healthier ones.
Conclusion
Anger management is about taking control of your feelings, learning how to express your emotions healthily, and finding constructive ways to manage your responses. It’s not about never getting angry but about using anger as a positive rather than a destructive force.
FAQs
Q: What are the signs that I need anger management help?
A: If your anger is causing problems in your relationships, work, or everyday life, or if you find yourself getting into physical altercations, it’s a good idea to seek professional help.
Q: Can anger management techniques work?
A: Yes, with consistent practice and effort, anger management techniques can help you learn to control your anger and respond to situations more calmly.
Q: What’s the best way to calm down when I’m angry?
A: Taking deep breaths, counting to ten, and removing yourself from the situation can help you cool down quickly. Physical activity, like going for a walk or run, can also help.